I’m sorry you were there to see me at my worst. I’m sorry I couldn’t have been a better example. I’m embarrassed. I guess the good that can come out of this is that you can learn from my mistakes. I’m really sorry. Forgive me?
I’m an applied mathematics major. =)
This past weekend was January Jumpstart with BCF. It was quite a significant weekend, but not necessarily because of the structures. I came to the point where I said “God, what are you doing? What do you have to say to me?” I went into the weekend with huge expectations. Maybe I was expecting too much. I was expecting that I was going to get a slap in the face. I figured that since we were studying Genesis, that a lot of stuff I’ve been dealing with since I got back from Ghana would be brought up. You know, identity, worth, gender stuff. I expected insight. And I expected something big.
I didn’t expect to spend so much time in listening prayer. It just kind of happened. Saturday morning we were given time for personal prayer. I spent the first half journaling and reflecting on the passage we had just studied. I got to the point where I realized how frustrated I’ve been with God. “God, you’re revealing yourself to my friends. You’re showing them things. You’re giving them answers. I’m not getting anything.” “Okay, God, I’m done talking. Your turn.” So I sat in the sunshine outside the church and waited. I received random images. That’s usually what happens. Sometimes, eventually, they begin to make sense. So, I shared what I saw with a friend who decided that she wanted to listen for me. We listened. What she heard is much more significant and tangible for me.
First, a huge chain being broken. Then,
Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed
And,
Lord, let your mercy wash away all of my sin
Fill me completely with your love once again
God wants freedom for me. That was my conclusion. He didn’t give me a name, a picture of who I’m going to end up with. He didn’t give me any next steps. But, I’ll take it. I’m excited that that is what he wants to give me.
Then, Sunday night, I accidentally got sent back to school to pick up more students when there wasn’t anyone there. It was the first time I was really alone in probably 3 or 4 days. And because of Genesis study and all of the listening I’d been doing, I had quite a bit to process. I ended up back at the bowling alley. After being there maybe 10 minutes, I got the overwhelming sense that I was going to cry. So I walked out. And I cried. The whole time I cried I had no idea why I was crying. “God, why am I crying? What’s going on?”
That night as I lay in bed waiting to fall asleep, I felt at peace. I saw myself in a mountain meadow with wildflowers. And I was twirling. It was so peaceful. I felt free.
My chains have begun to break.
Something happened today that normally would merit a response. I didn’t have any reaction. When I realized this, I was filled with joy. I couldn’t stop smiling. I felt free.
God wants me to be free. My chains are beginning to break.
